Losing It: How Men and Women Differ in Expressing Anger

Written by Tabby Biddle

It has both bothered and perplexed me to see my husband, who I think is the most loving and gentle man on earth, publicly get righteous with the security person at the airport who refuses to let him on with his carry-on bag because they “changed their carry-on dimensions.” Or get pissed off at the computer store sales clerk who decides he forgot to mention a $75 charge for removing a hard drive.  There have not been many of these incidents, but enough to rattle my world and wonder how the same man who loves and cares for me so tenderly can have such a “beef” with other people.

How do I handle and is it okay when he gets mad at people who he believes are incompetent or liars?

Right now I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book “Committed” – her follow-up to her ever-popular “Eat, Pray, Love.” “Committed” is about Elizabeth’s journey through her questions about marriage, peppered with historical, cultural and philosophical perspectives on marriage from around the world.

To be honest, I wasn’t that taken with the book until about two-thirds the way through where she caught me with an AHA moment.

In reference to her soon-to-be husband, Elizabeth says, “Felipe has the bad habit of sometimes snapping impatiently at people he feels are either behaving poorly or interfering somehow with the quality of his life. This happens rarely, but I wish would happen never.”

I have been married now for eight months and while everything about marriage is actually way better than I ever imagined, this one area of my husband getting angry at outside people has not settled with me completely.

But why?

In Elizabeth’s case, she explains that whenever she sees Felipe “fly off the handle” in public it messes around with her cherished personal narrative about what a gentle and tender-hearted guy she has chosen to love. And it is this messing around that, as she puts it: “frankly, pisses me off more than anything else.”

In my case, I think there is definitely an element of that and also frankly, a fear of my own anger. Let’s face it … if a woman vents her anger in public, she is usually classified as “crazy” or “a bitch.” I don’t really want to be called either of those things, and I would fancy a guess that there are a good number of other women who feel the same way.

As a result, women generally tend to vent less than men in public, and internalize the anger instead.

“While he [Felipe] expresses zero tolerance towards idiots and incompetence, I think that behind every incompetent idiot there lies a really sweet person having a bad day,” says Elizabeth.

I would say that this is also an element to my equation. Researchers have shown that females have a brain that is more oriented toward interconnectedness, global thinking, and as a result, more compassion. But I wonder, does this compassionate view sometimes keep us from speaking up for ourselves?

In a conversation on this topic, my husband wondered if women also forgo the rightness or wrongness of a situation (the morality, let’s say) because they don’t want to take the heat of looking bad. “A woman might want to save face instead of admitting that someone else did something wrong,” he says.

If someone does something “wrong” to him like try to overcharge him, he’ll write the CEO of the company. He doesn’t care about being nice. In other words, he’s not worried about the CEO being upset with him.

Maybe we can learn from each other, my husband and I.

Maybe he could gain some compassion for those he is considering “idiots” and let go of some self-inflicted stress. And maybe I could gain some chutzpah and let go of the fear of speaking up for myself.

(Actually, I am learning already because I recently wrote my first CEO letter to a company that had crossed some professional boundaries, and … IT WORKED!)

When it comes to anger, I’m learning there is a difference between losing it and using it.

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle, M.S. Ed. is a writer and editor specializing in health and wellness, women’s issues, social change, personal growth and empowerment. Her work has been featured by The Huffington Post, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times, LonelyPlanet.tv and other popular media sites. She lives in Santa Monica, CA with her husband.

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11 thoughts on “Losing It: How Men and Women Differ in Expressing Anger

  1. Hi Tabby,

    I loved your blog this week. I too wondered how men can get so angry and not be understanding at times of someone having a bad day, or being misinformed, or just trying to follow the rules and do their job. Now I have an explanation.

    And I want to read that book!

    Love,
    Ingrid

  2. Yes! It’s been a great discussion at home. We are both learning so much. I highly recommend this discussion for any couple.

    While I didn’t LOVE Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, it did bring up some interesting points and is worth the read. I’d love to talk with you about it once you’ve read it. Compare notes.: 🙂

    xoxo
    Tabby

  3. Your husband doesn’t sound like such a bad guy, just male. We guys just don’t like being stepped on or treated unfairly – even if the person doing those things is “having a bad day.” You could say that George Bush was just just having a bad day for 8 years. How does that work for you? Sometimes taking action against incompetence or meanness is a good thing and sometimes you have to let it go. With that in mind, here’s a post from a friend’s blog about a tai chi master who chose not to punch out a guy in a Starbucks line, but found a more conscious response. http://bolstablog.wordpress.com/2010/02/06/starbucks/

  4. Ah, so many thoughts this has brought up. Growing up in the South, we were taught women were supposed to “be nice” – somehow I didn’t get that message. I have never thought twice about writing the CEO of a company to complain when I felt wronged. I’d rather speak my mind than feel like a doormat. But I think I’m an exception. This also brings me to what we learn in Goddess Spirituality. Women in this culture are not encouraged to empower themselves. They’re trained to be the sexually available maiden, the giving mother until she’s depleted then the silent and overlooked Crone. When we come to the newest addition to the triad – the fourth component women are adding – the Queen, we come into our own and stand up for ourselves and those in our realm. We learn to wield our power and we don’t worry about if anyone is calling us a bitch or not. I think too, the Egyptian Goddess Sekhmet – that many seek out as an archetype of empowerment for women, teaches them to have healthy boundaries, to say no, to have sacred rage. All the things women have been stuffing for far too long. HAIL THE QUEEN!!

    • Sacred rage. I’ve never heard that term. I’m liking it. The Queen is a great archetype — “we come into our own and stand up for ourselves and those in our realm.” Healthy boundaries are SO IMPORTANT.

      Thank you Karen,
      Tabby

  5. Hi Tabby,
    Yes, I do agree with your conclusions that it really does help to balance the two ways of being. I think it is important for men to channel anger into constructive ways of communicating and women need to assert themselves more rather then betraying their own feelings of injustice. A betrayal of self is an injustice to one’s self so it will be a wonderful day when women start to speak up in empowered ways. Ditto for men….rather then just venting the anger and creating even more negativity for everyone.

    • Love this. Well said. “A betrayal of self is an injustice to one’s self so it will be a wonderful day when women start to speak up in empowered ways. Ditto for men….rather then just venting the anger and creating even more negativity for everyone.”

      We have so much to learn from each other.

      Thanks for sharing your wisdom Pamela.

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