Why Do Women Feel They Need Permission?

My husband is often surprised to learn that when I seem (to him) to make a decision, I haven’t really made it at all. “Haven’t you already decided to do that?” he asks. Coming from a male viewpoint, my husband can’t quite understand why I need to discuss the same thing multiple times and have it reflected back to me and affirmed by multiple girlfriends before I actually DO what I say I am going to do.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t even fully aware that I do this until he pointed it out to me. “What is this about?” I wondered. Could it be my Libra Moon sign that leads me to seek social approval before making a decision? Could it be a simple personality trait of wanting to make sure that I understand every angle before proceeding? Or could it actually be a lack of self-esteem?

Luckily, I happened upon a book that is helping me answer some of these questions. “The Female Brain,” written by neurobiologist and psychiatrist Louann Brizendine of the University of California, looks at the distinct female biology and provides neurological explanations of how and why we as women show up in the world the way we do.

As many of us know, studies in physiology have proven that the female brain is different from the male brain on some very basic levels. First off, compared to the male brain, the female brain has a larger communication center.  Secondly, the female brain has a larger area for processing emotion and reading social cues. Males, by contrast, have two and half more times the brain space devoted to sexual drive than females AND they have larger brain centers for action and aggression!  If biology translates into personality, one could argue that there is a strong foundation for females and males to behave differently from one another.

In looking at females and males from a young age, a study at the University of Texas observed how one-year old girls and boys differed in the way they read and responded to social cues.  A child and mother were brought into a room, left alone together, and instructed not to touch an object. The mother stood off to the side. The study showed very few of the girls touching the forbidden object, even though their mothers never explicitly told them not to. The girls looked back at their mothers’ faces 10 to 20 times more than did the boys, checking for signs of approval or disapproval. The boys, by contrast, moved around the room and rarely glanced at their mothers’ faces. They frequently touched the forbidden object even though their mothers shouted, “No!”

I found this study hysterical. Although it was done on one-year-old children, could it explain why my husband goes ahead and does what he says without much rumination and why I seek out approval and in a way “permission” before I move ahead in business and in my personal life?

Examining the roots of female brain development, Dr. Brizendine revealed more telling information. She says, “Baby girls are born interested in emotional expression. They take meaning about themselves from a look, a touch, every reaction from the people they come into contact with. From these cues they decide whether they are worthy, loveable or annoying.”

Wow!  Double Wow!

She goes on to explain, “Whether or not she is being listened to will tell a young girl if others take her seriously, which in turn goes to the growth of her sense of a successful self. If she does not connect, her sense is of an UNSUCCESSFUL self.”

Aha! This struck a distinct chord with me. I know that when I am listened to attentively, I feel much more alive, empowered and self-confident. If a young girl’s brain searches for validation through external cues, then it makes sense that the mature female brain might seek the same external validation.

So I wonder…is it possible that if we are aware of our distinct female biology and neurological need to seek social approval, we can actually move beyond it? Or is this consensus building form of decision-making just a part of being female and in some way beneficial in some grander global way?

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.

Women Who Wear Power Well

I don’t know about you, but I am practically just as excited to have Michelle Obama in the White House as I am her husband. I am finding myself totally drawn to this new female role model – smart, sexy, motherly, proud, independent, supportive to her husband and family. She seems to be carrying it all in one package – or at least that’s how it appears. Maybe this package isn’t new, but it feels new to me.

Once upon a time my role models were Madonna, Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Aniston. While I am still a big fan of all three of these incredibly talented ladies, I find myself now looking toward three new women as my ideals of feminine strength.

I’ll talk about Oprah to start. That might seem cliché to some, but I think there is very good reason why she has become so popular. She is smart, sassy, creative, fun and a great businesswoman. It wasn’t actually until this year that I began to watch Oprah (TiVo adds some great possibilities into one’s life!). I saw right away what an incredible empire she has built all based upon helping people be the best they can be. She has changed so many lives just by being truthful to who she is. If that’s not a fantastic bottom line, I don’t know what is!

Next there is Michelle Obama — our new First Lady! I am so proud and delighted when I see her walk on stage, or walk hand in hand with her husband Barack. I see how they are beautiful loving partners, and I also see that she has an incredible independence and knows exactly who she is. Knowing that she is both a Princeton and Harvard grad, a lawyer and a super loving mom and wife – somehow makes the possibility of being a smart, sexy, talented woman who excels in her career and in her job as a mom and wife – a more realistic and attainable possibility.

And then there is Beyoncé. She is also a recent discovery of mine. (Don’t ask me where I have been over the past decade). She is creative, smart, totally gorgeous, humble and sincere. She has sold over 75 million albums and last year pulled in 80 million dollars (2nd highest paid musician for that year), but it still feels like you could invite her over to chill out by the pool.

Maybe all of this is so obvious to the rest of you, but I am starting to see some of the true strengths of women in a way I never have. We can all look back to the times when women were either wives, nurses or secretaries, then they became the “bra burners,” then they became the “Wall Street bitches,” and it seems for the last couple of decades women have been in some kind of gender neutral position so that we could ‘push ahead’ in the workplace and somehow manage the rest of our lives.

What is so wonderful now is that women, with the support of one another, are getting to embrace all their facets – the warrior, the tigress, the nymph, the intellectual, the mother, the creatix and much much more.  I think it is role models like Oprah, Michelle and Beyoncé who have a certain ease in their feminine power that can only encourage and inspire us to step more and more into our own power.

What are your thoughts about feminine power? Who are some of your role models?

India: A Land of Contradictions

photo by Lee Schneider

I wrote a few blogs ago about how the country of India is referred to by many as “Mother India.” A dinner conversation a few nights ago with my friend Lotta however made me reflect and question this warm reference to India.

Lotta said, “For a country that desecrates the land and treats women as second class citizens, I am not sure how it has earned that title.” This struck a chord because on my recent trip to India, my husband (still need to legalize that in California!) said something very similar.

So, as I once considered India my role model in many ways – for its dedication to spirituality, its long history with yoga, and for its unexpected delights, I am now looking at it with a wider lens and seeing not only the beauty, but also, “the beast.”

Violence against women in India is frighteningly frequent. Many point to its roots in the male dominated socio-economic, legal and political order in India. In some parts of India, women are actually considered “private property” to be looked after by a certain family, community or caste.

I was stunned to learn about what is called “bride burning.” This is a form of domestic abuse often disguised as an accident or suicide. Women are burned to death over wealth (or rather…lack of wealth). Since the dowry system is well in place in India, husbands who think their dowry is too low actually kill their wives. I read recently that because of this an estimated 6000 women are murdered each year by their husbands – and that in fact the numbers are probably much higher because many cases go unreported! In rural areas, girl killings are prevalent because girls are considered second rate to boys. I heard that when children are ill, the fathers prefer to pay for their sons’ treatment over their daughters, so that more girls die. Adding to these excruciating realities, abortion of yet-to-be-born baby girls is surprisingly common.

As I was taking the train from Delhi up to Rishikesh in the north, I noticed an outstanding number of men on the streets, in the villages and generally out and about and a remarkably small number of women. In fact, there was a period of time when I didn’t see ANY women. I learned later that women in fact are not free to move about in the villages of the north and also experience severe restriction in the south. They must ask permission to go to town or visit friends. One report I read said that 85% percent of the women, except in larger towns, do not have any freedom to go about in public as they wish.

photo by Lee Schneider

In looking further at the “beastly” aspects of India, by one estimate, according to The Economist, only 13% of the sewage India’s 1.1 billion people produce is treated. In other words, India’s sanitation is terrible! There is garbage strewn about everywhere, cow dung lining the streets, and major air pollution. It is this poor sanitation that causes water-borne diseases that are a big reason why India’s children are so malnourished. According to studies, India has 60 million malnourished children, which is 40% of the world’s total!

I don’t mean to trash on India (because it certainly doesn’t need that!), but I am in favor of getting out the information and reality of what is happening there. I admire India in many ways – for its colorful life energy, for the smiles of those living with the minimum that life can provide, for its great gift of yoga that has been passed on for thousands of years, and for its ability to make a number of things function quite well with such an enormous population. I do however believe that India can and should do MUCH MORE for its citizens.

I look to myself now and wonder “what can I do?” …”How can I help life be a little better for my global sisters and brothers over there?”

How about you? Are there any countries (US included of course) that you feel passionately about and wonder what you can do to help life there become a little more humane for its people? Have you done something? Please share your story!

The Husband Test

I missed writing the blog last week! This was not due to any laziness or any other lame reason, but rather due to the fact that I was laid up in bed with what some call “Delhi Belly.” In other words, I was sick in my Indian bed with a bacterial infection of the intestine.

Yes, I fell ill in my beloved India. On my fourth day there after sipping some questionable masala chai at a local Rishikesh hangout, I made a rush exit back to my hotel bathroom. I had been so proud of myself from times past that I had never gotten sick in India. I chalked it up to my strong intention of: “I’m not getting sick in India!” This time I must have been resting on my laurels because I forgot to set that same intention. Yikes! That was not good planning.

A trip that was meant to be a sacred and romantic trip with my husband-to-be turned more into what he and I now laughingly refer to as “the husband test.” He was surely put to the test as I writhed in pain, cried in fear, felt my temperature rise higher and higher and generally just lost it. He was calm, level-headed, wise, compassionate, loving and nurturing. He sought out the medical care I needed and watched over me every step of the way. He for sure passed the test – and in a way beyond what I could have ever imagined.

We began to look at the figures of belly illnesses in India and found out that 1,000 Indian children die of diarrhoeal sickness EVERY DAY. According to The Economist, four miles downstream from where the Ganges River enters the sacred city of Varanasi where 60,000 people bathe and wash their clothing, the concentration of faecal coliform bacteria is 3,000 times more than is considered safe for bathing!  Additionally we learned that an estimated 700 million Indians (out of its 1.1 billion citizens) have no access to a proper toilet!! Suffice it to say that India, by Western standards, is very dirty.

So, as I lay there in my bed in an unheated room with grand cramps and a whipping wind knocking something very loud and thumping around on our rooftop, I cried out, “remind me next time I say I want to come to India, not to come!”

It is ten days later and I have just returned to the US. I am slightly tired, but am recovering nicely from my illness and feel for the most part – healthy. Once I was able to sit up, stand and walk, our last couple of days in India were filled with great surprises, fun and adventure – enough to leave India with a good feeling.

I wonder now…will this bout of bacterial illness really stop me from traveling to India, and for that matter, to other developing countries? I have certainly gotten sick in other developing countries before and later found my way back. I also wonder…does it really make a difference if I set a clear intention of not getting sick?…and do these bouts of getting sick have a deeper purpose –  in this case – “the husband test?”

What about you? Have you had some traveler-getting-sick experiences and how have they affected you?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.