Husband v. Wife

Written by Tabby Biddle

The title of this blog might indicate that it’s a piece about husbands and wives in competition with one another in some way. Some kind of tension between men and women …  some kind of battle of the sexes. However, that’s not what I am writing about today. I am writing about the changes going on in the institution of marriage.

Probably many of us can agree that for much of the 20^th century the archetypal gender roles of marriage were: husband as breadwinner and protector and wife as homemaker and mother. Even if a woman was working, there was an unspoken code about the roles a husband and wife would assume upon being married. But over the recent couple of decades, due to economic and socio-political changes, that code can no longer be assumed and more to the point — is in a process of reconstruction. Add to this that same sex marriages and partnerships are causing many to reexamine our suppositions about marriage.

Last week in The New York Times, writer/performer Sandra Tsing Loh wrote an opinion piece entitled “My So-Called Wife” discussing the changing roles of men and women in marriage. “I don’t know how it’s going for my sisters, but as my 40s and Verizon bills and mortgage payments roll on, I seem to have an ever more recurring 1950s housewife fantasy,” says Sandra, the main breadwinner in her first of marriage of 13 years and now the main breadwinner again with a new partner.

The conversation on this topic is hot right now because a recent study by the Pew Research Center, entitled “The Rise of Wives,” found that while men overall still earn more than women, wives are now the primary breadwinner in 22 percent of couples, up from 7 percent in 1970.

I look at this and think, Okay, that means that 78 percent of husbands are still the primary breadwinner in families … why is everyone making a big deal about these numbers? Then I realize that as it becomes an increasingly common situation for a woman to make more money than her husband, this rattles the very foundation of our belief system about marriage.

In our household, while my husband is still the main breadwinner, he is also the one who takes care of the home. He does the cooking, laundry, etc. He considers cooking a masculine activity, or at least not a gender-specific one.

(I do want to point out here that while my husband enjoys a lot of domestic duties, he draws the line at some things. “I don’t think I’d pull the vacuum out if you had a bunch of your girlfriends over. That might be a little embarrassing.”)

Some day our roles might switch and I could be the main breadwinner. The idea of being the main breadwinner sounds exhilarating to me. However, I wonder … when I am there, will I still feel the same way? How deep does the “husband” and “wife” archetypal programming go?

Tara Parker-Pope, health and wellness columnist for The New York Times, poses the question in a recent article: [Is] a financially successful woman a threat to her husband or a relief?

I have one male friend who insists that while his ex-wife may not admit it, the demise of their marriage began when she started making more money than he did. “She lost respect for me,” he said. And from there, a host of other problems ensued.

In Gary Zukav’s book, The Seat of the Soul, he argues that the old archetype of marriage is no longer functional. He says it is being replaced with a new archetype that is designed to assist spiritual growth. Instead of marrying for physical security, couples are coming together to assist in their mate’s evolution and spiritual growth process. In other words, a shift toward an archetype of sacred partnership.

It’s hard to deny that the circumstances affecting modern-day marriages have changed. Perhaps what needs to happen is a complete disassembling of the old notions of marriage and assumed roles of husband and wife, so we can start anew.

How to do this? In my own marriage – one step and one day at a time.

While redefining archetypes may not be easy for every couple, it may be worth it for the benefits of personal growth and marriages that are more meaningful … and that last longer.

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle, M.S. Ed. is a writer and editor specializing in health and wellness, women’s issues, social change, personal growth and empowerment. Her work has been featured by The Huffington Post, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times, LonelyPlanet.tv and other popular media sites. She lives in Santa Monica, CA with her husband.

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Blogging for Haiti

Written by Tabby Biddle

Photo Credit: Talia Frenkel/American Red Cross

The 7.0 earthquake in Haiti was the biggest earthquake to hit the island nation in more than 200 years. The American Red Cross has reported that an estimated 3.5 million people have been affected by the recent earthquake. According to relief experts, not only are medical supplies, water and food desperately needed, millions of dollars in cash are essential to help Haiti recover.

Over the past week, American corporations, NGOs, foundations, and individual citizens have rallied together raising money for the people of Haiti. One of the most successful donation efforts has been the one set up through Mobile Accord and mGiveFoundation in coordination with the US State Department. The fundraising effort enables individuals to send a $10 donation directly to the American Red Cross (the organization leading the efforts on the ground in Haiti).

Here’s how: Text the word “Haiti” to 90999, and $10 will be added to your cell phone bill. This works with the major carriers, AT&T, T-Mobile and Verizon Wireless.

There are also other ways to contribute. You can blog for Haiti.

I just learned about a website called YouSayToo where you can create revenue to be donated to the relief efforts in Haiti by adding your blog to their site. YouSayToo’s mission is to bring causes and bloggers together.

While YouSayToo supports a variety of causes such as fighting global hunger, protecting our oceans, and providing clean water around the world, right now the organization is focusing all of their revenue on the relief efforts in Haiti.

How does this work?

Firstly, for every blog someone adds to the site, YouSayToo will donate $1 for relief efforts to Hope for Haiti, an organization that has been in Haiti for 20 years. Secondly, YouSayToo uses something called Google AdSense. Google AdSense associates content sensitive ads with your blog that appear at the end of your blog (or sometimes in the middle). Every time someone clicks on one of these ads, it generates a small payment to you.

Normally you’d have to set up an account on your own, deal with HTML code, and figure out how to insert the code into your blog or website. If you add your blog to YouSayToo, they do it all for you.

The great thing is that you can add your existing blogs from sites such as WordPress, Blogger, LiveJournal, and Typepad directly onto YouSayToo. After you add your blogs, all of your new entries will be automatically imported into your YouSayToo blog. This allows you to make revenue from your existing blogs via Google AdSense ads and also increases your readership.

Once the ads in your blog generate revenue, you pick where you want the money to go. If you want all the money for yourself or to donate it to one of the causes on their site, YouSayToo will split the revenue with you 50/50. But if you want the money to go toward the relief efforts in Haiti, 100 percent of the AdSense revenue will be donated directly to Hope for Haiti.

How much are we talking about?

It depends on the blog and the content. An average blogger makes about $15-$25 a month from one blog. It might not sound like much, but put thousands of such bloggers together and it comes down to thousands of dollars of donations per month.

I love this idea of drawing in thousands of bloggers who, by the simple act of adding their blog, can generate money to donate to help the people of Haiti. Furthermore, if you add a blog to YouSayToo’s “Dream Gift Contest” by January 31, you will have the opportunity to win $1000, which you can donate directly to Hope for Haiti if you choose.

The recovery effort in Haiti is huge. We have a lot of work ahead of us. White House officials said that there were 26 international search and rescue teams in Haiti over the weekend. In addition to search and rescue efforts, immediate critical care needs of water, food, shelter and medicine are vital.

If we all step in, whether it’s donating $10 through texting “Haiti” to 90999, sending medical supplies, blankets and food via the many organized relief efforts, or adding our voice through our blog to a site like YouSayToo, we can truly make a difference in the lives of our sisters and brothers in Haiti.

The money that we donate right now is saving lives in Haiti.  By simply writing a blog you can help.

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Tabby Biddle, M.S. Ed. is a writer and editor specializing in health and wellness, women’s issues, social change, personal growth and empowerment. She lives in Santa Monica, CA with her husband.

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Woman vs. Girl

Written by Tabby Biddle

I’ve noticed lately that I have been calling a number of women … girls. It was my husband actually who first pointed this out to me. One day we were jogging past a woman pushing a double stroller on the sidewalk, and I called back to my husband, “Watch out for the girl.” My husband quickly replied, “She’s not a girl, she’s a woman.”

A week after this incident, I received a Facebook message from a male friend with the subject line: Woman vs. Girl. He (I’m going to call him Dan) wanted to know my opinion about whether it was ever appropriate to address women as “girls.” The irony here is that I had not been in touch with Dan for months, so he would not have known that I was currently in a phase of calling women “girls.” I figured this was life’s way of getting me to look deeper into the issue.

The feminist movement worked hard for women to be called “women,” and never girls. The term “girl” was considered diminutive and disempowering – a term associated with being a victim. The use of “woman,” on the other hand, was associated with confidence and power. In fact, as I understand it from those who were a little older than I was in the 70s, calling a woman a girl was like spitting in her face.

While I understand the argument of the feminist movement, I am wondering if today we actually give something up if we insist on being called a “woman” all of the time? Could we be abandoning our girlish playfulness and sensibilities? Could we be disenfranchising an important part of us that actually holds the key to our ultimate power as women?

The other question that comes to mind is: Is it okay for a woman to call other women girls and not okay for men to do this?

“I see many of my friends and acquaintances still using ‘girl’ when speaking of women, and sometimes when talking to a woman directly. I feel it’s disrespectful … Now, when I catch my friends speaking in this manner, if it’s an appropriate environment, I will call them on it. I try to be humble and considerate with this suggestion,” said Dan in his email.

How we address each other is important. There is no doubt about that.

I think my occasional turn toward calling other women (myself included) “girl” is a way to reclaim some of my own girl power. To me, this means a person who is fun, adventurous, exploratory and bold. A woman to me is strong, confident, responsible, nurturing and global in her thinking. Probably the most important piece to all of this is the integration of girl power with woman power in each woman herself, allowing a dance between the two.

While feminists made “woman” a hard and fast rule, could it be time to reopen the case? Could we be coming to a time when we need to reclaim “girl” to embrace all of the woman that we are?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor living in Santa Monica, CA. She specializes in helping women entrepreneurs and first-time authors get their message out. Additionally, she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their journey of personal transformation.

When Calling a Woman “Skinny” Isn’t a Compliment Anymore

Written by Tabby Biddle

Santa Monica beach

I have a friend who, every time she sees me, feels the need to say, “You look so skinny.” The first time she said this, I took it as a compliment. I thought that she was giving me kudos for the good care I take of myself with three healthy meals a day, exercise, stress management tools like yoga, walks by the beach, romance and good sleep habits. However, now that this is the greeting I get every time I see her, I am beginning to wonder about the motivation behind the comment.

When you greet a friend or colleague you wouldn’t say, “You look so fat.” Granted being “skinny” in our culture is a little more accepted than being fat, does this make it okay to tell a woman she looks “so skinny” when you greet her?

There is no doubt that weight is a serious issue in America – both on the fat and skinny side. Obesity in the US is on the upswing. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, more than one-third of US adults are obese, and two-thirds are overweight. Add to this, healthcare spending on obesity in the US has nearly doubled in the last 10 years. (Obesity has been linked to numerous health problems including heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, and some cancers.)

On the skinny side, statistics are also a bit grim. Anorexia is the leading cause of death in young women aged 15-24, and the numbers of young women affected are growing. According to Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc., without treatment, up to 20 percent of people with serious eating disorders die.

When I was 14, I had a short bout with anorexia – and looking at those statistics, I feel grateful to have recovered as I did.

I have spent my life as an athletic, tall, thin person. Here and there I have popped on or dropped off a few pounds depending on what was going on in my life. However, generally I have been a consistent weight, healthy and in great shape.

So, today when someone says to me “you look so skinny” on a repeated basis (all the while I haven’t changed weight since the last time I saw that person) – it doesn’t register as a compliment – it registers as annoying. It makes me think there is something else going on that I can’t quite put my finger on.

While it is wonderful to hear someone say, “You look great!” – talking about the overall essence of a person — I think it is out of place to greet a woman with the first comment being about her weight.

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor living in Santa Monica, CA. She specializes in helping women entrepreneurs and first-time authors get their message out. Additionally, she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their journey of personal transformation.

The Entrepreneurial Teacher

Written by Tabby Biddle

It is no secret that teachers in general are underpaid. In fact, many teachers leave the profession because they do not make enough money. According to a 2006 study done by The National Education Association, 50 percent of teachers leave the profession within five years partially due to low pay. With school budgets shrinking and teachers starting to shell out their own hard-earned money for school supplies, are there other solutions to help keep teachers’ bank accounts afloat?

Last month the New York Times ran an article about teachers selling lesson plans online for profit. The teachers interviewed reported using the money for varied costs such as mortgage payments, credit card bills, home renovation, travel, nice dinners and most notably — books and classroom supplies.

Joseph MacDonald, a professor at the Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Development at New York University, said the online selling cheapens what teachers do and undermines efforts to build sites where educators freely exchange ideas and lesson plans. Adding to this, he said that the online selling is ultimately destructive to the profession.

I spoke with Danny Kofke, a special education teacher in Georgia and author of How to Survive (and perhaps thrive) on a Teacher’s Salary, who has a different opinion: “If a good teacher can find a way to make more money and, thus not have to get out of the profession, I think it is great,” says Danny.

I couldn’t agree more.

Teaching is one of the most important professions around. Imagine if every child you know hated going to school, saw no point to learning, and sat in front of the TV watching “reality” shows as an alternative to studying or showing up at school. What would the future of our country look like then?

The crisis is clear, but what about the solution?

“Finally teachers—consistently underpaid and overworked—have found an entrepreneurial way to get paid for the inspirational work they create through hours and hours of unpaid overtime, while at the same time helping their fellow teachers perhaps have that night or weekend off. Brilliant!” said Heidi Waterfield, Ed.M., a former teacher and current educational consultant in the San Francisco Bay area, in an email interview.

It may be an imperfect solution, but we need more money for our teachers — and this may be a way to do it. If teachers can’t earn enough money from straight-up teaching, creating a profitable business from their teaching expertise sounds like a good way to go right now.

What other solutions should we consider?

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Tabby Biddle, M.S. Ed., is a writer and former teacher living in Santa Monica, CA. She is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga clothing line centered on empowering women to live a bold life.

What is Happening to Our Education System?

Written by Tabby Biddle

Most of you have probably heard about the dire straits public schools in California face, but maybe like me, until you see some numbers comparing school budgets between last year and this year, it doesn’t fully hit home.

A friend of mine who teaches in a Los Angeles public school sent me an email the other day inviting me to a fundraising event he and his colleagues are throwing to fill the gap between what they have and what they need to appropriately educate their students.

His school’s budget for textbooks was cut from $10,000 to $2,000; reference materials from $5,000 to $750; and instructional materials cut from $65,000 to $12,000.  All budget categories suffered, he said, but these cuts hit at the core of their teaching.

School districts across the state have cut funds for textbooks, increased class sizes, and shortened the length of the school year. In many schools, physical education classes, art and music programs, special education, and summer school have been entirely eliminated due to the cuts.

Earlier this week I was in downtown LA visiting a charter high school – Animo Film & Theatre Arts School — whose population is mostly Latino, with a small percentage of African American students. This school believes in small classroom size (no more than 22), a one-student-at-a-time approach, and a project-based curriculum built around each individual student and his or her interests.  Additionally, all students take part in internships with individual mentors beginning in the 10^th grade.

I walked around with the principal and met some of the students at Animo. I was immediately impressed at the level of maturity of the students. They looked me in the eye and told me about their projects — speaking with a sense of pride and confidence in their work. There was a deep sense of care and respect in the school environment, and the students were focused, motivated, friendly, and very clearly invested in their school endeavors.

Contrast this to some factory-like high schools across the state that have increased their class sizes to more than 40 kids per teacher. I am sorry, but this size is ridiculous. Having been a teacher for many years, I am aghast thinking about this scenario. You lose students (especially at the high school age) in this large of a class. Students need personal attention. When a student can be seen by a teacher as an individual learner, the teaching is much more effective, and results definitively more positive. Being taught in a mass (again, particularly at the high school age) is a recipe for failure. No wonder the dropout rate keeps growing.

California is facing a 21 billion dollar budget gap. Animo is teetering on losing their money. If it folds, the students will get absorbed back into the growing factory system of the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD).

High school students aren’t the only ones suffering from the education cuts. College students are too. The University of California Board of Regents recently approved a plan to raise undergraduate fees 32 percent by next fall to help make up for the steep cuts in state funding. What this means is that fewer students in California will be able to afford a college education – particularly those from low-income families, who currently make up almost a third of the university’s student body.

Add to this that more than 200,000 incoming students will lose most or all tuition assistance offered under the Cal Grants program – a program helps students to enroll in a public or private university by offering financial assistance as long as they meet grade-point-average requirements and are residents of the state.

Not only should educating our kids with the proper resources be a human right priority, but research shows that educating our kids can help reduce many issues that are costing us as a society  – crime, unemployment, healthcare, and national security.

I don’t pretend to know all of the ins and out of the state’s budget, but it seems like common sense to me that if we keep making cuts in education, continually grow our number of high school dropouts, and reduce the number of students who can afford college – that the things that our costing our society in the short and long run – crime, unemployment, healthcare, and national security – would only increase as our education priorities slip away.

Where do we go from here?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and first-time authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.

Women & Venture Capital – Is it a Rite of Passage Into Our Power?

Written by Tabby Biddle

Every day we hear about incredible improvements in the financial status of women. More and more women are the primary breadwinner in their household (almost 40%). Women-owned businesses are growing at twice the rate of all U.S. companies. A new survey by GfK Roper for NBC Universal stated that 65% of the women reported being their family’s chief financial planner, and 71% called themselves the family accountant. The numbers look good. In fact, better than good. Women today control more wealth than ever in history. But there is still an important area lacking – women’s access to big business funding. Venture Capital.

Amanda Steinberg, Founder of DailyWorth, a free daily personal finance email for women, has been trying to raise capital for her venture. What’s missing? … Women. “I’m raising seed capital for DailyWorth … I’m fortunate to have a few worthy men stepping forward to explore angel investments. WHERE ARE THE WOMEN??!!” she recently “ranted” on her company’s Facebook page.

Erin Abrams, a lawyer who writes for The Glass Hammer, an online community designed for women executives, may have some answers: “In 2006, only 4% of VC-backed companies had female chief executives, and those companies with women as leaders received just 3% of the total dollars raised from VC,” writes Erin in her article Women in Venture Capital.

The fact is the VC world is still a place dominated by men. At the National Venture Capital Association’s annual conference in May 2008, VC financier John Doerr acknowledged that VCs still primarily invest in “white male nerds who’ve dropped out of Harvard or Stanford.”

Nothing is wrong with white male nerd dropouts, but how can women get in on the game? What’s stopping them?

Lotta Alsen, creator of The Heroine’s Journey, a course designed exclusively for women entrepreneurs, points out in an article on The Huffington Post: “Women don’t start companies for the same reason men do. Women start businesses as an expression of themselves, as a way to balance family and work, and to be able to be their own bosses. Men start businesses to make money, or because they have an idea (that they believe they can make money on).”

If so, will the plethora of women’s businesses that have launched recently be sustainable? And what about the women who want to have a big, positive impact on the world through their business? Will they be able to scale their business large enough to make enough profit to not only survive, but prosper?

There is some good news.

Some Venture Capital funds seek to invest primarily in women-led businesses. One example is Fund Isabella based in Cincinnati, Ohio. The Fund’s founder is Peg Wyant and focuses on early stage, fast-growth businesses (annual growth at least 25%).

Can a woman grow a really big, world-changing business if she doesn’t have big investors in on the plan? And if she needs them, where else can she find them?

I think there needs to be more women-run VC funds that focus specifically on women’s businesses – just to get things started.

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.

Healthy Aggression in Girls

Written by Tabby Biddle

My third grade teacher, Mrs. Gray, called my mom at home one day to tell her that she was worried about me playing soccer all of the time with the boys at recess. “She’s the only girl and I’m afraid it’s too rough for her. She might get hurt,” she said. Thankfully my mom just reported this call to me, and made no judgment or set any rules that forbade me from continuing my recess behavior. The next day, I was back out on the soccer field.

Last week I went to see Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut, “Whip It.” The story is about a teenage girl (played by Ellen Page) who has pretty much resigned her 17-year-old life to pleasing her mom through entering beauty pageants. She is suffering from boredom and self-esteem issues because she hasn’t found anything that really inspires her in her small Texas town. One day she tries out (in secret) for the roller derby and makes the team. She learns how to skate fast, weave in and out of other derby girls, do some tricks, and occasionally knock down some of her opponents. Ultimately she finds her power through the physical activity (and friendships) of the derby.

I am not advising knocking other girls down as a self-esteem tool, but I am suggesting that it is crucial for girls to have an outlet to express their physical drive and aggression.

Anger and physical aggression in girls and women are typically deemed inappropriate. We are taught to deny, suppress and hide these feelings. When they do show up, we tend to feel shame or guilt and try even harder to rein them in. This doesn’t always work out so well.

“Girls’ aggression comes out in other forms when it is reined in physically … Girls turn it against themselves: through eating disorders, self-mutilation, hypercriticism about their talents and bodies, and depression.” says Sharon Lamb, clinical psychologist and author of The Secret Lives of Girls. In other words, when not permitted to express their aggression outwardly, girls aggress against themselves.

The taboo of physical aggression for girls and women can show up in another form called “relational aggression.” You got it – The Mean Girls stuff. “This is not about guns. Rarely even about fists … the weapons are subtle and sophisticated — whispers, lies, the upward rolling of an eyeball, the kind of backstabbing that does not require a knife,” says Susan Wellman, national expert in the field of relational aggression and Founder of The Ophelia Project.

There is one place where aggression in girls is generally supported: sports. The roller derby is a fine example. The problem is that many schools across the country, in order to save money, have either eliminated their physical education programs or drastically cut them. Not only is this a physical health issue for girls (and boys), but a psychological one. “When we deny women aggressive possibilities, we potentially diminish their being,” says University of California anthropologist Victoria Burbank.

“Being a full human being means having the capacity for both compassion and anger and frustration. Along with the former comes the ability to care; with the latter the ability to act aggressively and be angry,” says Sharon Lamb.

What if girls could own their aggression and even felt entitled to it? What would that look like beyond the playing field? What would that feel like?

I don’t think I’ll be joining up with the roller derby anytime soon, but I am sure glad I played some soccer in my school days.

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.

David Letterman

Written by Tabby Biddle

I’m a Dave Letterman fan. My husband and I TiVo his show and watch it a few nights a week. I happened to be watching last Thursday night when Dave announced that he had done some “very, very bad things.”

By now, most of you have heard the story. If not, the gist is that a CBS news producer, Robert Joel Halderman, asked Dave to pay him $2 million. The hush money was intended to keep Dave’s “very, very bad things” a secret. The secret involved Dave having sexual relationships with female members of his staff. If Dave did not pay up, Halderman was threatening to expose Dave’s forays in a screenplay. In other words, according to police reports, this was an extortion attempt.

Over the weekend, The New York Times followed up on Dave’s announcement with an article on blackmail, and there have been subsequent articles covering Dave’s apology and the possible aftermath. What I would like to follow up on is the topic of single women having affairs with married men. I don’t know all the details of David Letterman’s story, but his announcement awakened my curiosity about why women are dissing other women by having affairs with their husbands.

A search on Google for “why do single women have affairs with married men” results in 1.7 million hits. Guess it’s a hot topic.

Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton, Rielle Hunter and John Edwards, the Argentine woman and Mark Sanford. The story of the single woman having an affair with the married man. These are the stories of public figures, and the private stories are even greater in number.

In a discussion group on Oprah’s website, many women shared their experience of their husband having an affair with a single woman. One woman said that her husband had an affair with a co-worker and that woman knew he was married and had kids. Even though she had this information, she would text and call him at all times of the night wanting him to come over and be with her. “How can a woman do that to another woman?” she asked.

My question exactly. Why are women hurting other women? Why are they willfully stepping into a situation that can damage lives (their own included)?

One explanation might come from Susan Sheppard, founder of Getting What You Want, a life and relationship coaching organization with a mission of promoting sacred intimacy. She says: “ The woman who gets involved with a married man is … looking for attention and affection.”

I did some more research and other reasons I found are: Enhanced self-esteem, self-image and power; excitement, risk, and challenge; and sex.

Probably most important is what showed up in the online discussion groups revealing that there are lots of women who feel they are gaining some kind of power from “taking a man away” from another woman.

It’s ironic to me that some women list “enhanced self-esteem and power” as their reason for having an affair, when it seems the exact opposite is true. By deceiving another woman, she is actually depleting her power. In other words, by deceiving another woman, she is causing more pain and damage to the feminine psyche and is perpetuating a pattern of mistrust among women.

“Many women cannot be trusted … they are gossipy, catty, and will stab you in the back,” wrote one woman in the discussion group on Oprah’s site.

“Women compete with each other … we live to tear each other apart,” said another.

Wow. Do we really need to continue this pattern? Is it possible to support each other as women? What would it be like if there was a sisterhood among women where if you knew a man was married, you would leave him alone? Hmmm….

In my opinion, the more we deceive each other, the more we will lose trust in our gender – and this REALLY ISN’T good for our self-esteem. If we want to be powerful, how about saying, “no”?

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.

The Ambiguity in Women’s Lives

Written by Tabby Biddle

A good friend revealed to me recently that when she first got married, she found herself doing all sorts of “Little Miss Homemaker things.” She was ironing her husband’s shirts, making him lunch, and waiting for him to come home at the end of the day. “I have never ironed in my life!” she said. “I don’t know what came over me.” This was a woman who had been on her own for 15 years, was successful in her career, and was what most would call an “independent woman.”

Something shifted though when she got married. She began to lose her sense of independence and started to crave being protected and cared for by her husband. She started losing focus on her career, would often second-guess her decisions, and felt her ambition dwindling.

On September 17, Arianna Huffington wrote a blog in The Huffington Post entitled, “The Sad Shocking Truth About How Women Are Feeling.” She was responding to a series of studies conducted by The General Social Survey that showed women are becoming more and more unhappy.

Arianna asks: “When you think about all that has happened over the last four decades — with women securing greater opportunity, greater achievement, greater influence, and more money — the decline in our collective state of mind seems to defy logic, and raises the vexing question: What in the world is going on?”

Although there is some controversy over the studies, the issues being raised are important ones. For example, last week Maureen Dowd in The New York Times wrote a piece titled, “Blue Is the New Black.” In it she says: “When women stepped into male-dominated realms, they put more demands — and stress — on themselves. If they once judged themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens and dinner parties, now they judge themselves on looks, kids, hubbies, gardens, dinner parties — and grad school, work, office deadlines and meshing a two-career marriage.”

I think it’s hard to argue against the idea that the expansion of women’s roles has brought on more stress for women due to the shear demand of responsibility. Add this to what Maureen Dowd talks about — a wider audience of judgment (women, don’t we all want to be perfect?). What’s missing here is a mention of perhaps a deeper stress that comes from an ambiguity that certain psychologists and sociologists believe lies within women. Hint: Think of my friend above.

Ever hear of the Cinderella Complex?

Colette Dowling, New York psychotherapist and author of The Cinderella Complex, says that women have a deeply embedded wish to be taken care of and “saved.” She says in her bestseller book: “We may not always recognize it … but it exists within us all, emerging when we least expect it, permeating our dreams, dampening our ambitions.” Ms. Dowling suggests that this wish goes back to the days of cave living, when man’s greater physical strength was needed to protect mothers and children from the wild – but, she says, such a wish is no longer appropriate or constructive.

Or is it?

Although Ms. Dowling published her book more than 25 years ago, these questions apply today. Is it possible for women today to be independent, ambitious, successful career women and at the same time still be taken care of and “protected” by a partner? Or is our secret need to be “saved and protected” sabotaging our ambitions and fulfillment as successful, career women?

What do you think?

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Tabby Biddle is a writer and editor specializing in helping women entrepreneurs and emerging authors get their message out. Additionally she is the founder of Lotus Blossom Style, a yoga lifestyle company created to support women in their personal transformation. She lives in Santa Monica, CA.